Happy Holidays?

As anyone can see.....I am not what you would say consistent in blog land...it's been four months, four long months of non-posting. Why???? Well for starters, I don't think I really have much to say to blog-land....secondly I'm not a SAHM, scrap booking wizard, photography guru, or Martha Stewart type of gal. I am a forty-something woman who is still searching for her niche in this world. Oh, yes, I am a mom, wife, teacher, sister, daughter and grad student....but make no mistake about it......I still really don't know who I am. Most of the blogs I stumble upon are of much younger women, who are very, very lucky to be at home with their children. I on the other hand, chose a very different path. Like my mother, I have always been career oriented, and not quite family oriented. Hence, the title of this post......in a nutshell, the holidays are a pain in my a*%!!! OH, please don't get me wrong.....it is and should be solely about the birth of our Christ and Savior, however, when family is thrown into the mix; family that I don't get along with.....it makes me want to SKIP Christmas altogether!!!! I wasn't always like this....I use to love the holidays, and getting together with family and friends, but somewhere down the road, my siblings changed and the holidays became a drudgery and a chore. I even go so far, as to try to uplift my mood with such wonderful holiday classics as "It's Wonderful Life", "Miracle on 34th Street", "A Christmas in Connecticut" and my all time favorite, "A Christmas Story". Makes me very sad to confess this (I have actual tears streaming down my cheeks as I type this.) Oh, believe me I have tried, and tried with my family and my husband's family, but something ALWAYS goes wrong, and my high? expectations for what I think our family should be like are always deflated, and no doubt my feelings are always hurt. I have been trying to learn to take the higher road, and to turn the other cheek, but I think my selfishness and sensitivity always get the best of me, and the resentment and jealousy I have been trying so hard to conquer always gets the best of me. I ask the Lord almighty for patience and forgiveness, but it feels most of the time I'm just talking to the air/empty space that surrounds me.
God Bless my husband for enduring this every, single year......I don't know where I would be without him. My daughter, God Bless her too, has to see this side of me each year, and I am completely ashamed......I should be teaching her better. Like I've said before, I don't want to be like my mother and I want to show her that family is what truly counts, but it's so difficult when all you have are Christmas movies to go on. I am bound and determined to make things different......my family cannot go on like this each holiday season. Don't get me wrong, the three of us had a WONDERFUL Christmas this year, minus our families, but I know in my heart of hearts that is not quite right. God willing things will be different next year, and I can finally have the Christmas I've always dreamed about.